Introducing “[I Don’t] Love [You Anymore] Letters From New York”

While regularly scheduled Off the G posts are currently in the works, I’m excited to announce a new feature that at least for the time being will be appearing here on Off the G until ultimately I get discovered and make millions, and then I’ll buy a separate domain and a car. But until then, I’m introducing what I am calling: [I Don’t ] Love [You Anymore] Letters From New York. “What in the actual fuck is that?” you may ask. Let’s work backwards and start with the name, which came to me in a fit of inspiration yesterday.

As all moments of revelation do, this one came while my bladder was ready to pop and I was out walking around in a public place in desperate need of a bathroom. I successfully found one in an old warehouse that was converted into an upscale mall with a grainery, a nice restaurant, a cafe, an expensive clothing boutique, and a gallery of NYC inspired art leading to the whiz palace. Ya know, typical Brooklyn shit. I passed a painting in which someone had printed “Love Letters From NY,” with the letters spaced weirdly and the margins on the left hand side. It made it difficult to interpret, made harder by the fact that I had to pee. “This isn’t an episode of Sex and the City, fuck you painting,” I thought to myself as I just barely made it to the toilet. Finally relieving myself, I could think clearly. I had a new “project” I was working on with no name yet. Maybe I could somehow re-work this painting’s message into one that actually resonates with people, and also loosely fits into the theme of my new posts.

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Here’s how I would’ve painted it

You’re likely wondering what these new posts will be about. So let’s jump way back to before I even had this idea. I know I said we were working backwards, but we’re actually approaching this like an M. C. Escher painting- from a lot of different angles. Years ago, before Off the G was even in a twinkle in your father’s eye, I was talking to my best friend about what. the. fuck. we. were. doing. with. our. meaningless. lives. I talked a lot of talk and said, “I think maybe eventually I want to move to the west coast.” Without missing a beat, she broke into a one line song that she obviously wrote on the spot in which the only lyrics were, “Everyone who loves me leaves me.” This moment for some reason stuck with me, for one because did she just have that locked and loaded ready to sing to the next person who even daydreamed about leaving the city? For two because I didn’t move, but pretty much everyone else I know has or is very seriously threatening to. Except for Ms. “Everyone Who Loves Me Leaves Me,” but even she’s starting to murmur about leaving New York City. I will admit that between our initial talks about our futures and now, both her and I moved to South Korea. Thinking we were never coming back to New York City, I made a bucket list of things I wanted to try for the first time or officially say goodbye to in New York. Needless to say, we moved back and everyone who loved us left us, save for a few, and I started this blog.

Which brings me to the whole point of what these posts will be. I know I’ve really circled the drain on this explanation, so thanks for joining me on this ride. What a journey! A friend, let’s call her Kate, recently told me she was moving to Boston. I heard my other friend’s song in my head, “Everyone who loves me leaves me.” Kate mentioned that there were a handful of things she wanted to do in New York City before officially making Boston her forever home, because I imagine like a kitten at a shelter, Boston will adopt her and be her family from now on, not the rough, cold streets of Brooklyn. “I’ll give you my old bucket list from when I moved to Korea and thought I’d never return,” I said in feigned excitement. Sure, leave, I don’t care, I have TONS of friends left here. Days past and I never sent her the bucket list. But I did send her a cryptic text message requesting her presence at a bar because I had an idea for some hot, juicy new ‘tent (short for content). “Hey, try this on for size: why don’t I take you to a bunch of uniquely New York places and write about them and try to convince you to stay!” And then I kept saying “unique New York” over and over again in my mind so I didn’t hear her reply, but it had to have been yes because we’ve already started! That’s right, folks! Starting every Friday, I’ll post about taking my friends who are threatening to leave me to places in New York City that might convince them to stay. The results may surprise you (she’s 100% not staying, she already knows where she’s living in Boston)! My first subject is Kate (oops, that’s her actual name), pictured below, unsure of the Cheat-Ohs soft serve ice cream cone I made her get at Big Gay Ice Cream. Yes, it is Cheet-Ohs flavored, with Cheet-Ohs dust, and yes their ice cream cone version had an “a” in it, so don’t come at me for misspelling it.

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Here, Kate, put this junk food in your system and tell me you’d rather live in Boston

Our dairy fueled day (that ended with me crouching over a toilet, alone, wondering where all my friends had gone) will be the subject of the first post, DROPPING SUNDAY!!

[*confetti!! uproarious applause!!*]

Posts will regularly appear on Fridays, and if Kate decides that New York doesn’t love her anymore, don’t worry, I know plenty of other people who want to leave. What will we discover at the end of this? Is it possible that New York isn’t driving people away? I couldn’t help but wonder: is my insistence on talking about my BM’s regularly with friends new and old what really sends people running? Is it not I don’t love you anymore letters from New York, but I don’t love you anymore letters from my friends?

Let’s find out together!

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